The Elephant

Have you ever felt your heart shattering, breath shortening, and body begin to shake with apoplectic rage all at the same time? Everything else around you just disappears. You can only focus on those feelings coming over you like roaring waves crashing uncontrollably. Your eyes begin to fill with hot tears and you feel like any sudden movement may just summon all your demons. And you’re stuck there. Paralyzed. You’re wide awake, but your brain cannot fathom this pivotal point because the secret garden has now become a reality filled with deadly nightshade. Your heart is not ready for the change of what is because it still hopes of the golden “what could be”. Your thoughts are poisoned. Your vision is blurred. The voices in your head are in combat and your body is like a response team who cannot seem to get to you on time. It is a fragile house that is soon to be bulldozed to the ground. Who you really are is hundreds of miles away and you are unaware of how you got here. You look in the mirror and hate who you see. There is no mask to cover your shame, regrets, pain, fears or stupidity. It is just you looking back at you. The worst parts of yourself staring you dead in the face, looking right into your eyes. What do you do with all of this negative energy? Where do you run when there’s no where to go? You could try calling someone you think might understand or help, but how inconsiderate would that be of you to project your burdens onto them? They are people with their own lives and set of problems as well. You should not add to the weight they may already be carrying. So there you are with your reflection and all that comes with it. You hate these feelings and you want them to go away. How? Where do you even start?

Here are 5 personal exercises that have helped me during cruddy feelings of heartbreak and despair:

1. MUSIC. MUSIC. MUSIC.

Start with the music that resonates with exactly how you are feeling right now in this moment. It serves as a nice reminder that someone in the world actually gets you, they understand. Play music and move around like the fool you are. Unapologetically. Unashamed. Without a care in the world. Let all of that negative energy just roll off of every limb. Shake it all off and don’t hold back. Try singing it out loud. Scream the lyrics until you feel lightheaded and can’t breathe. Or just lie there and listen. Focus on the melody, the words, or just let it hold space for you as it fades into background music and you tune into your thoughts instead. After a while, or once you’ve had enough of that, change the song to a positive one. Shift that energy and let that ball of happy hope fill you up instead. Whatever you do, feel it. Allow yourself to feel aware and connected to every emotion. There are enough songs in the world and in several languages to help you through whatever you may feel. That is the beauty of music. Its ability to make us feel something. It is overwhelming in the best way and cannot be ignored, so don’t fight it. Just like your reflection looking back at you. Get lost in the sounds to be found. Turn it all the way up! Here are a few songs that have helped see me through:

Nuvole bianche - Ludovico Einaudi

Out of the woods – Ryan Adams

Torn – Natalie Imbruglia

Shiver and shake – Ryan Adams

Skinny love – Bon Iver

Sentimientos – Grupo Limite

Dreams – Fleetwood Mac

Chamakay – Blood Orange

Back 2 good – Matchbox 20

River – Leon Bridges

All I ask by Adele

Drops of Jupiter – Train

All too well – Taylor Swift

Last kiss – Taylor Swift

Praying – Kesha

Figures – Jessie Reyez

The voice within – Christina Aguilera

Rainbow – Kacey Musgraves

Drive – The Cars

The Archer – Taylor Swift

Little wonders – Rob Thomas

This little light of mine – JJ Heller

Here comes the sun – The Beatles

The Middle – Jimmy Eat World

Vivir mi vida – Marc Anthony

Somebody else by The 1975

WIN – Jay Rock

La vida es un carnaval – Celia Cruz

Fighter – Christina Aguilera

Here for a good time – George Strait

The Champion – Carrie Underwood

That’s life – Frank Sinatra

Soulmate – Lizzo

HUMBLE. – Kendrick Lamar

Rise up – Andrea Day

2. Suffer through it, just do it!

Trying to escape or bottle up your emotions inside will only prolong the effects they have on you. Suffering through them will only hurt less each time your find yourself here. It sounds bizarre, but it’s true. It is similar to muscle memory when trying to learn a dance. At first, going through the choreography may feel overwhelming. Your bones will crack and pop a bit, and your muscles will be sore the next few days. However, when you get up and go through the choreography again, you won’t feel so overwhelmed and it will be much easier on your body this time around. Or think of it as being able to do the splits. Every time you stretch your muscles are not used to it, so it hurts, and you are far from the ground when you try. If you continue to stretch your muscles, then before you know it you will be sitting comfortably in a split. The process sucked and took some time but suffering through the painful stretching hurt less each time. Now you perform the dance with confidence. Now you are even more flexible than you were before. Now you are ultimately stronger than you were for allowing yourself to dive into every emotion and come up for air even faster. Do it. You will survive.

3. Write it down.

It is fascinating how helpful something so simple like writing is. Truly. If you are one who hates to read or write, get over it. Get you a journal if you do not have one and start today. Write it all out. Everything you feel. Everything you want. Everything you can’t admit to that person or even to yourself. Doodle if you have to, just get that pen to the paper and let it flow. Start with the pressing matter or what you did that day. Who you saw and had conversations with, and how it all made you feel. Then ask yourself why. Why do you feel that way? Is it something you have control over? If not, can you let it go? Why are you holding on? Does it stress you out or cause you great pain? These are questions only you can answer, and there is no right or wrong, so be honest with yourself. That is key! Brutal honesty is the key that unlocks the cage you may find yourself in. Trust me. Do not be afraid to go there with yourself. I would recommend even adding positive words, quotes or song lyrics to reference as you write. Ask yourself how you feel after writing it out. Try to write in a journal, online notebook or phone note at least 3-4 times a week. Set a timer for 10-20 minutes and just write. Allow you to spend that time with yourself, uninterrupted if possible. Give yourself that time. Did you hear me? Make time for yourself. You need and deserve it. After about a month, see how you feel. Do you feel lighter? Go back and read what you have written from your first entry through your latest. Have you found a pattern or a solution? What are some things you still need to work through? Be proud of yourself. See if you can see a change in yourself or in the way you think. Write loving vows to yourself and honor them. Be gracious with yourself if you don’t feel like you’ve gotten any better. Like plants, we take time to grow. Commit to that growth. Keep watering yourself with every word you write.

4. Speak it out.

There will be mornings when you will not want to get out of bed, or nights you will not be able to turn your brain off. You have to tell yourself to do it. “Alright that’s enough” or “Get up, lets go!” Our words are so powerful, yet we often underestimate them. What we tell ourselves is what we will believe. Be sure you are telling yourself out loud that you are okay, loved, important, worthy, beautiful, whole, complete, perfect, free, etc. Speak caring words to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you are in love with. Be patient, kind and offer grace to yourself. The universe is happy you are here. You are precious and not here by accident. There is no one else in the world exactly like you. Remind yourself of that by telling yourself these truths and who you really are. Grab a dry-erase marker and write it on your mirror or on the fridge. Every time you see it, say the positive affirmations to yourself every day. If you believe in the power of prayer, then pray daily! If we say good things, we will believe good things. We are who we believe. Have a conversation with yourself and challenge yourself. Step into your power by telling yourself what kind of day you will have, or by telling yourself you are done with what no longer serves purpose in your life. Instead of saying things like, “I can’t do this”, say “I will do this”. Instead of “I will never change”, say “I am able and capable of changing.” Instead of “things are falling apart”, say “things are falling into place”. Allow yourself to HEAR you tell yourself it will be okay because you need to hear it from yourself. And because it really will be!

5. Keep moving, fix your focus, relax and give yourself some love.

Get on the treadmill and run. Go outside and enjoy the view while you go for a walk. Get up. Get moving and keep moving. Take deep breaths as you mediate in a yoga pose, even if you do this on your bed. Go for a car ride with your dog. Grab a book and start reading. Sew that hole in your favorite pair of jeans. Learn to cook one of your favorite dishes. Do the bend and snap because it works every time. Go for a bike ride and feel the wind blowing through your hair. Put on your skates or grab your board and get rolling. Grab some paint and put it on a canvas, even if you suck at it. Have a picnic at the park or treat yourself to a fancy dinner. Press the keys of that keyboard when you walk by at the store. Take up archery. Do that thing you have been putting off and allow yourself to feel joy when you do it. Where is your focus? Notice all the flowers you see when you go outside. Listen to the birds chirping. How many colors do you see? Put your hand over your heart and feel your heart beating. Take a moment to stop and breathe. Acknowledge the way your cells work together for you. Remember that life is about the journey rather than the destination. Allow yourself to take it all in and keep learning and growing. Essentially, take time to rest and relax. Rest your mind and your body. It is important in the healing process and helps to feel rejuvenated. Drift into the quiet calm and ease into peaceful sleep. Stop worrying. Let it go. You will heal.

Take on any or all of the five exercises listed above. Work on the relationship you have with yourself over any other relationship on earth. Forever and ever, love yourself. Above all, love yourself. Did you hear me? Choose to love yourself. This is where you start.

#lifelessons #exploration #discovery #selflove #elephantintheroom #you