LIVID and MISERABLE - to be revised.

I remember being 7 years old. It was a time in my life when I did not know or understand things going on around me in the world. I remember coming in and out of my grandmothers house to the front yard and just playing all day with my cousins. Sleeping under the Christmas tree at her house excited my heart, even though now I've realized it's because I didn't have a bed to sleep on, but I felt a genuine joy. I loved my life. Being 7 was the best thing ever and I could have stayed 7 forever. Now, I am 29 years old and I still do not know or understand things going on around me in the world. I don't even know or understand things going on within myself at times but I often ponder and try to. I don't understand why I struggle so much to feel joy sometimes. Only when I sit with myself and really think about it do I feel that I understand why I struggle so much. I wrestle with feeling joy in my life even though it is filled with endless blessings around me. Often times I feel angry and then get annoyed with myself for not feeling grateful for this life I live. How dare me. I have everything I need. Yet here I am, in tears, on my couch trying to make sense of this. So I start as far back as I can remember. Growing up it was hard to talk to my dad because he was easily angered. Almost everything triggered him, especially my mom. He would yell, cuss and shut down, and maybe this is where it all started.

The disconnect.

The disappointment.

The discouragement.

The disrespect.

The deterioration.

The dysfunction.

The dependency.

The depression.

The despise.

The doubts.

And ultimately the distrust.

To be continued...