Liar, Liar, Masks on Fire!

Back in May of 2020 I joined an 8 week program that focused on shadow work, inner child healing, identity deconstruction, and self-discovery. Part of the rigorous training required daily journal entries. Below is a compilation of my entries about the masks we wear. In sharing these, I hope it encourages you to remove your masks and/or reflect on why you wear them. I hope it also reminds you that you are never alone. Where you are now is not where you will always be. Much love.

What masks do/did you wear to the general public and why?

I feel like I wear a mask of happiness to the general public because I do not want anyone to see what I am really feeling or carrying inside. I feel that way because I often ask myself, "Who would want to hear about your issues/problems? People have to deal with their own issues and problems. No one cares." I know that isn't entirely true, but it's just how I feel. So I wear a smiling, happy mask for the general public because they are carrying their own weight as well. I often feel they may also judge me which also sucks because things I am growing through does not mean that is who I am. People would have the wrong perception of me because they don't really know me. I like to see the good in people so it makes me sad when they don't see the good in me. If that makes sense. I also at times wear a mask of indifference to the general public because I feel like people want to be left alone, so I act like I don't care about their words or actions. I also feel like that stems from feeling like I couldn't help them or make a difference in their life even if I wanted to. Indifference in the general public is a mask for me because I care about people/the general public. I previously mentioned some judgements that occur relative to the public. I am not certain where this behavior came from, but maybe it came from past events in my life from childhood until now. I feel am protecting myself from being judged in a way that is not accurate. I am protecting myself from heartbreak or pain because I feel it isn't safe to always be yourself around others. With good intentions in my heart, it seemed strangers have hated me and I never understood why, and it affected me. I am not sure why I let it, and although it did, I don't want it to anymore. Why I have felt the need to wear a mask at all is the real issue. I want to be happy without feeling like I'm just wearing a happy mask.

What masks do/did you wear to your family and why?

The mask I wear with my family depends on what is going on in my life. If that makes sense. I do feel like my family often thinks I am better than them because I graduated from college and I don't have any children. I guess I wear the mask of whoever they want me to be, so that I feel more like them because I am not like them. Or am I? I am mostly referring to my aunts, uncles and cousins. I basically wear a mask of "I'm okay" all the time. Most of the time. I put on my mask of happiness because I don't want my brothers to ever see me sad or down. I feel like I have to protect them. They have seen me cry and have a breakdown before. It made one of them cry with me. The other one didn't know how to react so he gave me kind words and sympathy. I could tell it broke his heart though. It made me feel like I had made a mistake and that I had to be stronger for them. I feel like this behavior came from the divorce we went through. I had to be strong for them. I wear this mask to protect myself from hurting my family because I would feel awful if I did that. I want to be able to feel like I do not have to wear these masks at all. I am not sure how not to sometimes. I want to grow and be better. I want to just be me. Mask free.

What masks do/did you wear in relationships and why?

I've realized (I think) that I wear a mask of happiness and content. I wear that mask because I want to feel like or convince myself that I have not made a mistake, that I know better, that I can make this work, I can fix or change them, things will get better, it will be okay, etc. I convince myself I am super happy to be with this person when I'm not. There is always something they don't fill and I never feel like I've met "my person". I convince myself I am satisfied, but I know deep down inside I am not. I take on their weight, I make excuses for their actions and behavior, I go against my better judgement/intuition, and I honestly don't know why. Looking back I feel like I was afraid to be alone because being alone with myself was a scary thought. I also just wanted to feel loved and cared for by a man. I wanted them to just love me for me and never leave. This comes from not having the fatherly role model I needed growing up. I was never close to my dad. My parents are divorced so he also let my mom down too. My mom is not perfect either. They let each other down. My relationship issues stem from that. I plan on working through all of this though because I no longer wish to wear a mask. I also have trust issues because I feel like no one would ever really want to end up with me. That is also why I want to grow my self love. I get triggered when I feel like I am being deceived or cheated on - too much phone activity from partner, shady abnormal behavior from them, different energy, etc. I've been right about it every time which sucks because I always hope I am wrong and that they aren't cheating or showing interest in others. This comes from not knowing what a healthy relationship is, feels like or looks like. I feel like it's been trial and error and that I am just sort of learning as I go. Careening if you will. I feel am protecting myself from more pain and heartbreak by wearing my mask.

What masks do/did you wear in friendships and why?

Friendships! Ah! I wear a mask to hide!! I definitely struggle with friendships because I don't trust people. (I want to though). I am never fully my true self with certain friends because I fear they will hurt me or judge me like they have before. I have tried having friendships, I open up to people and listen to them if they open up to me, I have been there for friends and call or text to check in on them and they seldom do the same for me. I guess I held people to the same standard and expectations, or I wanted them to treat me however I treated them. But I've learned that's not how the world works and that is not how people are. People will do what they want and not always treat you the same. That also hurt my feelings and made me start to become numb to how friends responded to me. Especially friend girls. I wanted to open up to them and have a friend, but they ended up sharing my secrets or saying things about me, or they just never cared enough to check up on me when I wasn't okay. I longed to have healthy girl friendships because growing up I always wanted a sister. I wanted my best friend. So I hoped I would have this amazing friend relationship with one of my friends growing up. I sort of do, but it isn't as I imagined it would be. They haven't always been so friendly at times. It sucked because it made me feel like I could not trust girls and it caused me to feel apathetic to how females feel about me now. It's a "I don't need them anyway" kind of attitude because I feel they are just going to hurt me. I lose trust. So now I just wear a mask to hide and avoid that. It's like, I am still myself with friends, but I am guarded and always ready to take cover incase they decide to attack. The things I mentioned earlier are my triggers. This behavior came from middle and high school and hasn't changed unfortunately. I really want it to though because it gets old and lonely. I don't want to feel like I will get hurt so I stay guarded. Writing this down and reading it back to myself makes it seem insignificant now though I was just lost in these words. I question the kind of friend I am as well. All masks aside, if I haven't been a good one, I hope to be a better one in the future.

What masks do/did you wear to do your job and why?

I have worn a mask of happiness at my job. Especially this past year because I was dating a coworker who I previously dated 5 years ago. Things didn't work out between us because he wanted to focus on his son and co-parenting more with his ex-wife. I understood. But it certainly affected how I felt about being at work after our break up. I had to wear a mask of happiness because I wasn't. My world felt like it was falling apart. I didn't even want to be at work. It was a rough time. A part of me still wears a mask of happiness because I am not completely sure I appreciate teaching 6th graders, that age group. Sometimes I want to go back to teaching high school or just work with adults in general. 11 and 12 year olds can be pretty annoying. I care for and love them, but yeah. The trigger at work is my ex. We act like we don't know each other at work, like we don't exist. It frustrates me. It makes me feel like shit honestly because we used to love each other, be intimate and live together. I only ignore him because he does it to me. It's like wow, after everything, this is how you're going to be with me? Cool. Thanks. Feels great. Things are as they should be I suppose. It just makes work uncomfortable for me and makes me uncertain about returning. I am better than I was though and I will continue to get better about the way I feel at work. I don't want to have to wear a mask of happiness going into the next school year. Aside from my ex, this behavior comes from feeling like there are other careers to explore. Like I can do many things before I die because why not? So this insatiable feeling then makes me wear a mask of happiness because I begin to feel like I'm not happy right where I am.

What masks do/did you wear as a result of your cultural or religious upbringing?

When it comes to my relationship with God, I feel like I wore a mask of unbelief and silence at times because I felt like people didn't want to hear a prayer before our meal or hear anything about God at all. So I stayed silent or did what I felt they wanted me to do, acted how they wanted me to act because I cared too much, and so that I didn't come off as a Jesus freak or something. The pushy people that no one appreciates or the "perfect" person who isn't allowed to make any mistakes or bad choices. "Aren't you a Christian?" <---- that right there is by far the biggest trigger for me. It upsets me every time! I hate being asked that when someone is choosing to judge me or tell me that my behavior/actions/words are not acceptable to them or God. They are usually the same people who don't care to step foot into a church or care to make any better choices than me. I just feel like I'm being judged for what I believe, and for being a human ultimately. It angers me and annoys me deeply. This behavior, although I'm not sure of which behavior I am talking about exactly, comes from not wanting to be judged or feel like people don't like me or think I'm stupid because of something I believe. I usually wear a mask of silence to protect myself from feeling hurt by others. The masks I wear are ultimately to keep myself from pain and heartbreak.

What masks do/did you wear to YOURSELF and why?

I haven't really thought about this, but I think I wear a mask of "I'm good" all the time. I wear this mask because when I take it off it feels like I may fall apart sometimes because I am not okay. Sometimes I even feel like I wear a mask of wanting to make good choices. I don't always want to because sometimes I don't care about always having to be the bigger or better person. Sometimes I feel like let's just start a fire and burn this bridge and who cares what happens. It's really how I feel sometimes. Negatively. So I'll put on my positive mask. I judge myself for my actions, my thoughts, my body, even myself in the family I was born into. The things that trigger me about myself are the things I first listed when joining this program. My lack of self-love/self-worth, my trust issues and relationship issues. Another thing that triggers me about myself is how much I criticize my body. I should love my body despite the things I don't like about it, but I don't all the time. I am working on this still. I tell myself that I am always the victim, but maybe that's not always true. I am learning to take more responsibility for my actions and words, and how things make me feel/how I react to them. These stories came from past pain and experiences that have happened to me. Shit has certainly sucked at times. I am protecting myself from feeling like I am the reason any bad thing has happened to me because I would feel awful and my lack of self-love would increase. The beliefs I develop are my Christianity, that my family isn't functional at times, and that it is important to be a productive part of society. All of these things and many more influence my self identity.

2/28/2022

Looking back on these past journal entries I see that I have cared so much about what others thought about me and I avoided what I had to so that I wouldn't get hurt somehow. Is this or was this you too? Rereading these also showed me that I had a more negative outlook on things going on around me and that wearing my masks were like a personal jail cell. Beloved, precious human reading these words, I dare you to fearlessly live mask free. Your world needs TRUE you and you don't have to hide anymore. I hope this encourages true freedom.